Has it really been a year already?
It does not seem like a whole year has gone by.
Strange really, I thought that somehow with the passing of this year,
that my feelings about Dad's passing would somehow lessen, and that
I would be able to think about him more and not feel so anxious and edgy , and on the verge of tears when I do.
But time goes on .
The pain I felt a year ago is less now, and the sadness is slowly
lifting away.
Instead now there are times that I feel angry, mostly at me.
Because I am not the parent I want to be or that I feel the weasels deserve, or the Husband that such and amazing and beautiful woman that Cleverwife is deserves either.
That is a post for another time.
Today as I write this, another year has passed and in it's passing so much has happened,
Dad is gone and as I think about him, I realize what a fighter he was in so many ways.
His own dad died when he was only 4
I was lucky enough to get 38 years with him
He was all of our biggest supporters in what we wanted to do when we were kids.
He was very proud of and loved his grandchildren dearly.
I remember when he came out for #1 weasel's baptism, he was so happy, that you can clearly see it in his face. Later when he met the others it was the same way.
He went through 3 rounds with cancer and fought like a champion to the end.
I don't know if I have his strength.
I hope I do. There are times when I need it.
My only wish is that the weasels could have known him better.
I'm going to break my own rules and post a picture of him. If you are related to me, or a close family friend, this could give away my identity, but for the most part I should be safe.
There have been plenty of moments in the last year when I have felt like he was close to us.
Maybe If I could shut up once in a while
I could hear him.
(I Hope)
1 comment:
It is the most bizarre feeling to hit that one year mark isn't it? I thought itw ould be better but strangely, for me, it seems worse simpley BECAUSE it is a year. Now it feels like we are leaving dad behind, a guilt of sorts that unbelievably we have been able to simply keep living and doing all those mundane things without him around. Who would think that life could just keep happening without such a huge part of it all?
I am glad though, that the raw pain lessens because it is so hard to function with that squeezing the very life out of us isn't it?
You and I are on a similar path having lost our dads, I find myself thinking deeply about how I am using this life too. Scarey how fast it passes and every time I stop to check how I am doing I see just how much time I have allowed to slip by without using it wisely.
I adore the picture of your dad, there is something so touching about a toddler scowl! My 3 year old has that look down to perfection.
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